


we close our eyes, pretending to sleep

by girlsarewolves



Category: Skinwalkers (2006)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, remember that when it's movieverse it's not au if she's alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-29 01:39:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlsarewolves/pseuds/girlsarewolves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He counts the stars, because sheep are too tempting. They pretend they're okay, because the truth is too much. Post movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we close our eyes, pretending to sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Written years ago. I tagged this as slightly au because it's post-movie but Sonja's alive. I say slightly, because comparing the wounds Sonja gets to the wounds Nana got, it really doesn't make sense that she would be dead. (Also, earlier versions of her death had her getting her head blown off.) My characterizations of Caleb and Sonja are *heavily* influenced by earlier versions of the script (which, IMO, are vastly superior to the final product, but that's just me). The fic is still movie canon compliant.

* * *

Sleep wouldn't come. He was bone tired but couldn't keep his eyes closed. Caleb stared up at the cloudless sky; tried counting stars. He hadn't counted stars since…in a very long time. These new, faltering eyes weren't up for the task, and his mind quickly got lost among the infinite numbers above him.

"He used to do that."

The sound of her voice almost startled him; it wasn't unwelcome. Not like it used to be. Then again, it wasn't as bitter or biting as it used to be. Somewhere along the way she had stopped spitting out every word with the intent to inflict damage.

She always was too forgiving.

_Zo would beg to differ._

Caleb swallowed and ran his hands through Sonja's hair.

_Zo isn't here._

"Who used to do what?" Caleb asked. Trying to play dumb; as always these days. He was almost positive in another life he did the same.

Sonja was not overly indulgent with this game. She didn't like conversational ring around the rosie; never had. "He used to count the stars as well." Her fingers had not stopped tracing the design of the tattoo on his chest, not since the two of them had finished. "He could get to the hundreds. Sometimes he made it into the thousands. I think it was his way of counting sheep."

"Did it ever work?"

"No." She was smiling; he could feel it, the faint curling of her lips against his damp skin. She hadn't smiled since...before.

Caleb glanced down. His fingers moved from her hair to her chin; he had to see it for himself. He didn't trust his senses, but perhaps if he saw it as well as felt it, he would believe it; _could_ believe it. He tilted her face up, just enough to see her mouth. He stared, transfixed.

It had been so long since she had smiled at him. No, that wasn't right. She had never smiled at _him_. Only the one she kept comparing him to.

"What?" She didn't like the scrutiny; hypocrit. She had stared at him this way before, countless times. Every night, every day. She couldn't help it though; he knew that. Yet here, now, it was unnerving for her to be under a similar, studying gaze.

The other one - her other - used to look at her like this all the time. But then the other one had rarely let her see it.

_Maybe if he had…_

Caleb shook his head. "It's just...this is the first time I've seen you smile."

Sonja removed her chin from his fragile grasp; her smile disappeared as fast as it had come. Her face was hidden by the thick, black curtain of her hair - decorated with little bits of leaves left from when they had still been sleeping in the woods - as well as his chest.

"Just go back to counting stars. It works for you."

He did; she was right.

* * *

Her eyes were watching him when he woke. They usually were; she slept only while he slept, and even then he wasn't positive she ever let herself sleep. Her gaze was studying, scrutinizing. That familiar stare, the one she didn't like to see reflected back.

Caleb wanted to say something. He had no idea what, but something - _anything_  - to break the silence. He wasn't much of a talker when it came to private moments. He was a speaker, not a talker.

Her beloved other had been the same way.

_If only he had overcome that shared weakness._

"Did the stars help?" Sonja wasn't staring at him now. She was staring out at the vast openness of the desert.

Miles and miles of nothing but barren land; the scenery had a meaning for her. For them.

"Yes. They helped." He watched her. Studied her; she wasn't looking at him, but she was aware. He did not have the stealth her other had possessed.

"Could you ever sleep, in the motels?"

The question caught him off guard. They didn't talk about that time. They didn't talk about the motels, about the fake names, about the fake family. They didn't talk about how they had met by chance. How she was alive, or why he was alone.

She was looking at him now. Eyes narrow, watching, studying him again. Always studying, like it was their new pastime. But her gaze wasn't hostile; Sonja was trying to hide her curiosity. It was killing her not to ask more; she was afraid it would kill her more to know. This was the one question she would allow.

Caleb knew the feeling. "Sometimes. When I reached my limit. Do you remember that? When you go so long without sleeping or even resting your eyes that your vision is blurry and burning, and your mind plays tricks on you?"

Sonja's gaze dropped. "I had forgotten, for a while." Her voice was softer when she added, "Recently I've been remembering."

It was a strain to catch that part. Caleb's hearing was not what it used to be. He could only barely make out the words; he wished he hadn't.

"How do you know the stars never worked for him?"

His question caught her off guard. Her head whipped up, her eyes the tiniest bit wider than usual. He never brought the other one up; she did. Her shoulder shrugged, face lowered; she didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want to think about before for too long. The pain was still to much. And she still wasn't skilled in hiding how she really felt.

She had been emotionally numb when _he_ had found her; even without him, the gift he'd given kept her feelings alive and heightened.

It did come as a surprise to him that he could read her so easily. He hadn't been able to read the ones he'd left.

"They might have, sometimes. I rarely slept. He slept even less. He didn't like to sleep if I wasn't sleeping. I wondered if he didn't like anyone seeing him so...vulnerable. And he always knew when I was faking, so he would count the stars out loud. I think he was hoping it would work for me."

Caleb watched her hard eyes become glassy. He watched them close tight, too tight for tears to fall; her face hardened.

She didn't let anything else slip.

"Did it?"

Sonja met his gaze again. "Did what?"

"Did it ever work?" He was genuinely curious. Some part of him - unfamiliar, forgotten and buried - needed to know.

She shrugged again. "I can't remember."

* * *

 

"I like your taste," she whispered. It was the first thing she had said since they had stopped for the night. Not a word as she parked the motorcycle, not a word when she took their clothes off, and not a word throughout the fucking.

It had been roughly an hour since they had finished; his breathing had grown steady again, his heartbeat calmed, his skin almost dry. He tried to ignore the envy when he noticed it only took her minutes to appear unaffected and renewed.

"You don't want to like it, do you?"

She didn't answer at first. Facing forward, he back was to him - so that all he could see was her wild hair. Most of the debris was gone. She had not rolled around in the forest in some time.

Caleb kept her pressed to him. He held her as tightly as he could manage; he wondered if she felt the embrace at all. His face was pressed against her hair. He tried to inhale her scent, but he just couldn't smell like he used to.

"It isn't the same. And I'm...worried." She wasn't worried. She was _frightened_. But she had never liked to admit that; not even to the other one.

"Why?"

Ever so slightly, Sonja moved. She shifted her position so that she was closer to him; there was not even the tiniest bit a space between his torso and her back. Her legs angled so they were curved with his, framing him. Her hands were on his arms; his grip was suddenly a lot tighter around her waist.

"I can't remember what he tasted like anymore. I just know you don't taste the same."

He wasn't surprised. Perhaps earlier - weeks, months, or had it already been a year now? - he might have been. But this was not a revelation to him, not anymore.

She was shivering. He knew she wasn't cold; she was never cold. She kept him warm throughout these desert nights.

Caleb rubbed her as much as her hands would allow. He laid his face on the side of her head, his chin nestled against her shoulder. He stared past her, out into the untainted expanse of the desert, to the black horizon speckled with lights. "Do you see the bigger star right near the edge of the dunes?"

Sonja nodded. "The one that looks like it's part of a V shape."

"Yes, that's it."

Sonja's eyes flickered over to him then back to the star. "Why?"

Caleb didn't speak at first. He lifted his head enough to smile at her. He thought her eyes were glassy again, but he couldn't really trust his senses. He laid his head back down and found the star.

"One. Two. Three. Four…"

* * *

 

When Caleb woke, Sonja was still framing his body with hers, back tight to his chest. Her head was nestled beneath his chin, tilted enough so that he could feel her cheek against his collar. He stayed as still as he could and held her as the sun started to rise behind them.

He had almost fallen asleep again to the sound of her breathing when the pattern began to change. His eyes remained closed when she stirred the tiniest bit in his arms.

She didn't move after that, but her breathing was still different. For a moment it seemed like she would try to go back to sleep herself.

"Sometimes it worked."

A strange sensation of relief washed over him - but it wasn't Caleb that was relieved.


End file.
